Brive-la-Gaillard, 09.10.2020
After eight hours of driving here from Basel my interest and enthusiasm in exploring yet another town has completely disappeared. My first evening in France on this leg of the tour, trying to make my way down to JL’s Celtic Pub in Tarbes, doesn’t feel special or particular or anything even near. Empty the closest. Just driven here by the urge to perform. From Germany, to Poland, to Slovakia, to Czech Republic, back to Germany, to Switzerland and now — finally — France.
Since setting out I’m having these nightmares. Terrifying shit. Not every night, not regularly, but once they’re here, things get seriously worrying. Last night. Some undefinable cloud or being, sort of covered my body. Maybe not covered, rather enwrapped it. Trying to force my body out of my skin and at the same time drowning me in some dark liquid-like substance. Something unnamable, incomprehensibly scary leaving me on the sideline watching myself slowly suffocating. There were other ones I can not remember as detailed but this was just too vivid.
I think it’s fear. It must be fear. It’s probably as simple as that.
I know. I could or maybe even should have stayed in my flat instead of leaving for this one. From an outside point of view there was no need in going on tour. No new album out. Just a little money in fees and merch sales to expect as a reward for endless hours of driving in times everybody else, or most of the world, would consider as dangerous, even hazardous.
But. There are all these things that need to be said, all the songs that need to be sung, all these stories that need to be told and to be collected too. Let’s get this straight: Nobody is invulnerable and neither am I, but this is my life. It’s not a job. It’s what I am. No less. I just can’t help it. I know I’m putting myself at risk with this, I’m fully aware of this. As I’m aware of the fact that some of you will call this stupid, mad, irresponsible and selfdestructive.
On this I disagree.
Would you stop seeing the doctors, knowing they’re the ones who can help you? Would you, as a nurse, stop treating people because you’re afraid your patients might infect you? Do you think the doctor or nurse are not aware of taking a risk treating you? Or let’s take it further: do you think any of them will keep on treating you once they feel symptoms of illness themselves? I don’t think they will. As little as I would keep on performing in that case. Because it’s stupid and irresponsible, if not suicidal. In case you still don’t get the point. In case you still absolutely can’t understand why, for chrissake, someone would still perform in these times. I mean - let’s get this straight - this is not medical treatment. This is some guy with a handful of songs and a guitar.
It’s about the people. If you’re really questioning my motivation, probably not people like you. And sure — it’s about me too. Emotionally dried out from months of being told what to do, what to avoid, where to go and where not to. Treated like little kids by slightly bigger kids being as clueless and helpless as they are. Being literally fucked over by authorities and a system in which mental health can be found at the bottom end of the priority list. Let alone artists and their sheer existence. Believe it or not - I’ve seen them. The people. I talked with them. In France. In Poland. In Slovakia and Czech Republic. It doesn’t make the slightest difference which country. I saw life returning into their looks, into their hearts. Seen the smiles and the crying. It’s such an important thing. It’s maybe the most precious achievement of mankind. Being emotional. Being able to feel something. The only thing it took to bring it back was being honest and give them everything there is to give for an hour. For one show. It’s maybe the only thing I’m good at. Oh, yes, and it keeps me alive. And it makes me happy. It’s fulfilling. Keeping this to myself and stay in has never been an option. Never was and never will. I spoke to people on this tour who said music and culture is as important to their lives as food or drinks or a job. They’d just simply die without. It’s a basic need. You know what? I agree. I sign this. You will bloody starve without.