If The Flu Ain’t Gonna Kill You (about)

See, it’s an interesting thing. I suppose psychologically. You live your life as an independent, self-employed touring musician/songwriter and over the years you realize it’s possible. You can do it. You don’t ever have to ask your government for any whatsoever support. That’s because you know there won’t be any. Anyway. But you don’t mind because things do work out. Not necessarily very brilliantly, but they do. You can pay your rent, you can pay your expenses. All this. No problem. No bigger problem at least usually.
But there might be a situation you’re not really prepared for. Say, you’ve got a shit-load of gigs lined up, you’re on tour, everything looks as bright as it ever could possibly look like. Things are literally taking off in a good way. And Bang. Here comes a pandemic. A good one. Not one of these baby pandemics. One of the really, really serious bad-ass pandemics. Not good, but OK, it’s here. Not much to do about it. So what’s happening next?
All your shows will be inadvertently cancelled. That makes sense. It’s really sensible. Because nobody with a tiny piece of brains left would like to have you travelling all the way to play in front of people, possibly infecting you or YOU possibly infecting THEM with some weird, lethal virus.

Next thing happening will be: you’re dead serious now you’re screwed big time. Oh, and it’s not exaggerating, because you indeed are.

And now we’re going for the interesting, dirty little bits to come up. A recipe for how to feel like a piece of crap. There’s not too many ingredients you need to get that tasty dish ready to be served.

Let’s try to get into the mind of that particular touring musician/songwriter/freelance artist. He doesn’t fell particularly well or secure about how his soon to come living conditions are going to look like. Especially how he’s going to pay the rent for his flat, his rehearsal room, his energy bills, all this. But. Thank god. There is a government. And authorities. Both of whom he never ever asked for money or funding or whatsoever support. Now they’re entering the scene. They’re gorgeous. They’ve got surprisingly interesting new ideas. They discovered their love for all kind of artistic activities. This is the state of Bavaria, Germany, superior to the rest of the country, always been, let’s get this straight. We’re a culture loving state in Germany. We won’t let that slip. We will support our artists. The poor bastards are suffering. They won’t survive without help. We’ll spend — no joke, mate — a couple of millions of Euros to keep them going. Really, man, we love them. They’re so important. There are only two other nationwide industries generating a bigger gross turnover than the entertainment branch. And to be honest it doesn’t really hurt to pay them some pocket money as it’s anyway taxes paid by themselves.

Next thing to happen is: all those important artists get into a most cheerful mood. But, erm, there is still no sign for any money rolling in. Let alone a way to apply for it. It’s more a “you can very, very soon apply online for some much needed and deserved funding”. After a time span of eight weeks the artists are getting a bit nervous. I mean most of them don’t have any savings. They relied on playing shows to pay their rent. But there are no shows. There won’t be shows for a very, very long time as it looks like. Unfortunately the landlords want their money. Tricky, slightly unfortunate situation it is. There are cool landlords who’d skip the rent until there is a chance to earn some cash. But there are as many, if not more, not so very cool landlords. But hey — we’re important. They want to have us. They are willing to pay money for us to survive. But still — the money is just not there.

And all of a sudden. Here it is. The day the online application form is online. An easy one. Just fill in what you need, up to EUR 5000, or less if you think you’ll need less and that’s it. Shoot it over and things will go their way.
But what’s that? A week later there are new details in that very application. Sure you can have that money, BUT you may only use it for your business expenses. That is: office rent, rates on company cars bought, expenses for your facilities… Oooops. Our artist is getting a bit confused. That wasn’t the deal, was it? Few days later it says: oh we forgot to tell you this all has to be paid back and you have to prove what you’ve spent it on. Which is: office rent, rates on company cars…. well, we call it business expenses. Now there is a little issue. Our artist is an independent touring musician. He didn’t recently rent that floor in the local business tower for his headquarters office rooms, neither did he buy a brand-new tour van he still has to pay off. But good news: this is now turning into an avalanche of funding monies. There is top-up of another 4000 on offer in national funding from the German government. Wow! So while he’s still mulling over this, a few weeks later he all of a sudden receives money. From the government. The arts-loving Bavarians. Not enough to get through a pandemia but something. At least. Plus an email with a detailed catalogue of questions about his monthly expenses in rent, business insurances, health insurance, the whole thing. Including a friendly reminder if he can’t properly and honestly answer all these questions he’s not only not entitled to get the funding but also puts himself at risk for being prosecuted. This is thin ice now. They’ll kick your arse for dodging grants here. Phew! Now this is getting a bit complicated, isn’t it? So let’s call the hotline. There is a hotline, thank god. And it’s a good hotline, a quality hotline as you can expect from a proper arts-loving government. “Good morning sir, I need some help.” “What can I do for you?” “I got money from you guys and at the same time I’m told I’m not entitled to keep it if I can’t answer a lot of questions completely new to me. What does that all mean?”
“Ah, don’t worry. It’s OK. The first wave of applications has been just waved through as they’re meant as INSTANT CORONA SUPPORT. All those questions are just if you want some extra out of that national pot of subsidies. If you don’t need any of that let me know, and we’ll cancel this second application you haven’t made yet.” “Oh. OK. Let’s do that.”

Trouble sorted. For now.

But. There’s always a but, innit?

There’s a new wave of support rolling in. It’s a big new thing. It’s particularly for ARTISTS. EUR 3000 in total for three months. Money just handed out to live off. Not refundable. These are good people. They understand what it’s all about. Still you need to match some requirements. You have to be a self-employed, independent artist insured in the German KSK. That’s the artist health insurance. For those not familiar with it: you have to prove by receipts, reviews and newspaper clips and all that you’re really earning your main income as a performing artist. So there’s no easy way to sneak in. Once you’re in they can be sure you’re serious about your intentions to lead your life as an artist.
Got that? Yeah, sure. Means the money now ready to be spent on those losers is meant really just for them. No dodging possible. End of the day we’re still in the world capital of bureaucracy.

Our artist starts getting really aroused. To say the least. Particularly as this new funding thingy is actually not repayable. It’s really for staying alive. Buying food, drinks, affording the odd lightbulb if necessary. Know what I mean? All the things he kept on hold.
As this whole situation about receiving subsidies turned out to be a very complicated, very confusing thing and the online form is a bit confusing too, our artists decides not to take chances. Rather call the friendly bloke in the hotline again. He has been helpful before, so he’ll sure know what to do here. And, thank god, he does. “As these are two totally different schemes you just fill in all the required information, tick the box you haven’t applied for money yet — remember, it’s a different thing? — and off we go.”

Good.

Done.

Another three weeks passing by with daily checks of the mailbox. And finally — here it is! An official pdf document of the government of Bavaria. You’re among the chosen ones. You’re a real artist. We will pay you those 3000 so you can survive and keep on doing your little, quirky, important artisty things. Congrats.
All good now? Not really. So why’s that you may ask? Well, there is nothing happening. At least not on our artist’s bank account. Instead, an email arrives two weeks later. Straight from the desk of the lady a few steps further up the ladder from our friendly hotline staff guy. And yes, she’s really sorry. It’s bad news she’s bringing. Unfortunately we have to inform you, you’re not entitled to apply for the artist aid scheme.
And what about that bit of information these are two different things? Well, you already received money which includes everything we can give you. Ah, got it. So does that mean 3000 out of the received subsidies are non-refundable? No, because these are two different things.

Thanks.

This, dear reader, is when you realize you better stop wasting time on asking your government for a favour. This is when you finally understand how important you are as an artist in the state of Bavaria, Germany. Should have known better.